It goes without saying, but at times dating can be … complicated. Moreover, getting “played” is a difficult and inevitable situation to grapple with when you put yourself out there. Sure, you may want to go full hammer time on him upon finding out you’ve been played, but you’ll regret it.

What you won’t regret doing is handling being played with poise and dignity. There are plenty of ways to respond to a player. We have curated literal and figurative approaches to doing just that and what to say to a guy who played you.

How to: Reply when he played you via text

• When you find out he’s been seeing other women

YOU: I wasn’t aware that you were seeing other people. While this is disappointing news, I now have some clarity on how I’d like to move forward, which is to end things here. I hope you can understand.

WHY IT WORKS: While it’s normal to date around while on the prowl for a compatible match, this can still be a hard pill to swallow. If you have unrequited feelings for your suitor, this reply allows you to express how you’re truly feeling while also giving you the power to sever ties. 

• When communication randomly stops

YOU: Hey [insert playful nickname], haven’t heard from you in a minute—hope everything is OK

WHY IT WORKS: If you suspect you’re being ghosted, this text can be your Hail Mary. Think a last-ditch effort to casually see if he’s ghosting you. 

• When he stood you up on a date

YOU: Well, you didn’t seem like a douche before today, but I guess I was wrong lol. Take care

WHY IT WORKS: I mean, this one is optional because a guy who blows you off for a date doesn’t deserve any more of your time. But a little insult and farewell are an appropriate rejoinder for such nonsense. 

• When he says he doesn’t want a serious relationship

YOU: Thanks for finally being honest so we don’t waste any more time on this connection. Since we aren’t on the same page about what we want, let’s end things here. Good luck and I hope you find whatever it is you’re looking for! 

WHY IT WORKS: If you’ve been dating for several weeks—or months—and he finally decides to tell you he doesn’t want a serious relationship, try to channel your frustration productively. That is, acknowledging that you’re at an impasse, ending it, and politely sending him on his way

• When you spot him out with another woman

YOU: [Via text or in-person] Hey, I didn’t know you were in a relationship. Is this/that your girlfriend?

WHY IT WORKS: OK, this one is sort of petty. But it’s also a great way for the other woman to find out she’s, well, the other woman. Plus, consider this a nail in the coffin. Bye!

How should you treat a guy when you realize he’s playing you?

• Treat him like the joke that he is: If you’re not opposed to engaging in your sort of game-playing, why not turn the tables and “forget” about the plans you made, not text him back for days, or post a selfie with that hot guy you just met?
• Distance yourself: While you figure out how you want to proceed, don’t feel obligated to reply to his calls, texts, or other gestures. 
• Or cut contact altogether: Normally I don’t condone ghosting someone, but if he’s done something you deem egregious enough, then hit that block button and keep it moving, sis. 
• Confront him: Say you found out you’re being played because you wound up with an STI or one of his other love interests reached out to you. You are well within your right to confront him for his sh*tty behaviour, but just know when to walk away. 

What should you do after you’ve been played?

• Take ample time to process your emotions: Cry, eat junk food, watch rom-coms—whatever it is you need to do to get it all out (in a healthy way!), do it. 
• Vent to a friend: Call upon your most trusted confidants to see you through your sorrows. (And no one talks better sh*t about your ex than your best friends.)
• Draft that long text message before sending it. Then rewrite it: We’ve all been there—that bible-length text message that details all your thoughts and feelings about him playing you. Assuming he’s not a great guy, he might not care about your emotions as much as you do. So, save yourself from the mental gymnastics of curating the most perfect rejoinder; condense your message to a only few sentences with key points. 
• Get back out there: Just because this one guy was a dud, doesn’t mean the next guy (or the one after him) will be. Think of it this way: by design, you’re not meant to end up with all but one of the guys you date, since only one is right for you. (Trial and error, baby!)

How to: Reply to a guy that used you

• Allow yourself to be angry/sad/disappointed/etc.: Before you even think of what to say to him, give yourself the space to wade through those tough emotions. As I mentioned earlier, responding is much more productive than reacting; you’ll want to approach him when you’re more level-headed. 
• Leave out the drama and theatrics: Try your best to be composed and collected when responding to being used, whether sexually, emotionally, monetarily, etc. While you recognize this guy is a P.O.S., screaming and thrashing isn’t going to make matters better for anyone. 
• …But still convey your feelings in a composed way: Before replying, list out everything you feel towards his actions, describe how it made you feel, and refine both to sound matter-of-fact and concise. 
• Have a friend read over your text before sending: Even if you’re confident in your delivery, having a trusted second pair of eyes look over your reply can lend the affirmation or improvement(s) that you didn’t know you needed. 

How to: Get back at a guy who played you

• Go MIA: Post less (or not at all) on social media. Avoid spots that he frequents. Make him wonder WTF happened to you while you’re off doing fun, interesting things. 
• Expose him: Whether you’re delivering a DM or confronting him IRL, bring the truth to light. But remember—proceed with caution, because you don’t know how he (or whoever else he’s involved with) might react or retaliate. 
• Do something you said you’d do together—without him: Oh, so you still have tickets to that thing he desperately wanted to go to? Looks like he’ll have to miss out while you live your best life. 
• Hit the gym: Ah, the good old “revenge body.” Yes, let him see what he’s missing—the new and improved you. If you’re already a regular at the gym, take up something new like jiu-jitsu or kickboxing.
• Date his barber: Just trust me on this one. 

Final thoughts

Getting played sucks—point blank, period. Such conflicts may bruise your ego or diminish your self-esteem and self-worth. But just know that it’s no reason to adopt a scarcity mindset when it comes to finding love. Though a guy might fail to treat you with the decency you deserve, that just tells you that he’s not your end game. 

Dating is a lot like shopping at TJ Maxx—you have to sift through a lot of junk until you find that one garment, bowl, blanket, etc. that’s perfect for you. All to say, keep on shopping—they’re not all players. 

Also, check out what to say to a guy who ghosted you.